Domestic
by noax
Summary: The world is Sherlock's dartboard. Unfortunately, John isn't named three continents Watson for nothing. -A crack johnlock fic. Written in the form of TEXTS and SCREENPLAY. Yes, you read right - screenplay. Rate and review!
1. PART 1

_A/N: Hello there. We're new to this fandom/community so please excuse our...newbie-ness! This is written in a text and screenplay format (or attempted to) so the basic terms/abbreviations you'll see in the fic will be explained at the end. Comments and criticisms are much appreciated!_

DOMESTIC

By

Noax

**PART 1: IN WHICH JOHN DECIDES NOT TO LET MRS HUDSON MAKE HIS TEA ANYMORE - TEXT**

BORED.  
>John.<br>John where are you.  
>John wake up.<br>Come now quickly I need your help.  
>Christ.<p>

You woke me up at eight.  
>It's a Sunday.<br>Where are you.

On my way back. Please make tea.

I'll be in bed. Sleeping. You make your bloody tea.

Earl grey will do.

I'll poison it with your ruddy experiments.

No you won't.

Right. And before I continue with this conversation I shall remain in bed.

Tell Mrs Hudson to get the beaker in put in the refrigerator.

Good night, Sherlock.  
>It's not an course it's not an argument.<p>

You're going to listen to me anyway.  
>The beaker, John, the beaker.<br>John.  
>John.<br>John.  
>John.<br>JOHN!  
>JOHN!<br>JOHN!

Oh bloody hell.

THE BEAKER, John.

You're getting strawberry jam or no tea at all.

I already got it.

Fine.

You didn't smell like strawberries this morning.

Of course.  
>Tell me again why do I put this up with you?<p>

You love me.

No I don't.

Yes, you do. You adore me.

Really? What makes you say that?

Because I irritate you.

That doesn't equate with love you know.

TEA.

What?

The tea's boiling, john.

?  
>Shit. Right. Thanks.<br>...Did you just predict when the tea's going to boil?

Lemon and six tablespoons of sugar will do. If you're looking for milk ,we're out.

Get milk then.

Already did.

...  
>Don't blame me if the tea gets cold.<p>

I never said I wanted to drink it.

Wtf-are you seriously experimenting with tea?  
>...Don't answer that.<p>

Yes, you're needed so don't go to sleep.

Fantastic. I'll be in bed if you need me.

I do need you.

See you in slumberland.  
>It's a Sunday, Sherlock.<p>

Exactly.

...I should receive some sort of award for being your flatmate.

* * *

><p><strong>(DIALOGUE)<strong>

INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING

SHERLOCK, late-thirties, tall and striking with cheekbones that can give you a paper cut, is reading the newspaper upside down. JOHN, also late thirties, all military, walks out, fixing his tie.

As he goes to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water:

JOHN  
>I'll be meeting up with Sarah today.<p>

Sherlock speaks but doesn't look up from the papers:

SHERLOCK  
>Sarah won't be expecting you today - I need you.<br>If I were you, I'd want to drink 3 glasses of water.  
>Tap water.<p>

JOHN  
>Why don't you drink it.<p>

SHERLOCK  
>No, you're compatible.<p>

John almost says something but he doesn't.  
>Instead, he sighs, empties the glass and fills it with tap water.<p>

JOHN  
>What experiment is this anyway?<p>

Actually, he doesn't want to know. As he holds up his hands:

JOHN  
>Nevermind, don't answer.<p>

Sherlock answers anyways:

SHERLOCK  
>Tea.<br>(A beat.)  
>Poison.<p>

Of course. What else did John expect?

JOHN  
>(Blinks)<br>...I'm going out.

SHERLOCK  
>Don't worry, you're not going to die.<br>He flips a page of the paper with blasé.

JOHN  
>(Oozing sarcasm)<br>Oh, that's reassuring.

SHERLOCK  
>The tea's going to save you.<p>

JOHN  
>I'm calling Lestrade, Molly or any other willing victim-person for you to poison.<p>

John fumbles a bit for his phone. He can't find it.

SHERLOCK  
>I told you, you're compatible.<br>Other brown jacket, left pocket.

John looks up. Yup, now he remembers. It is in the brown jacket.

JOHN  
>If I die, I will haunt you.<p>

SHERLOCK  
>You won't die. I didn't poison you, by the way. Mrs Hudson did - Not that she knew.<p>

Sherlock tears the World News section in half and scrutinizes it.

JOHN  
>Oh for the love of-<p>

SHERLOCK  
>The tea will saturate the poison.<p>

JOHN  
>I hate you.<p>

(RIP. RIP. RIP. TEAR. RIP.)

JOHN  
>For God's sake, Sherlock, what are you doing with the paper?<p>

(RIIIIIIIIIIP.)

SHERLOCK  
>By the way, when you go to bed tonight, don't sleep on your side.<p>

JOHN

Do I want to know why?  
>(A beat)<br>No. No I don't.

SHERLOCK  
>Good night, John.<p>

INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - THE NEXT MORNING  
>John wakes up.<br>He ruffles his hair, but something on his hand catches his eye:

JOHN  
>(Mustering every single attempt to remain calm)<br>The fu- Blue fingernails?

He walks to the doorway and stares straight at Sherlock. He wiggles his fingers.

JOHN  
>I have blue nails. Care to explain?<p>

SHERLOCK  
>You obviously didn't sleep on your side.<p>

JOHN  
>Sherlock Holmes. You. ARE GOING TO FIX MY NAILS OR I WILL STOP BUYING YOU POPTARTS.<p>

SHERLOCK  
>There's a nail bar down the street - might help.<p>

JOHN  
>Fantastic, do you know a good spa place, too?<br>_No_, I'm not going to get a bloody manicure.

SHERLOCK

I can get you a discount.

* * *

><p><strong>*Notes:<strong>

EXT = exterior

INT = interior

O.S. = off-screen

A beat = a pause before the character speaks

SEQUENCE = a series of quick shots

CUT TO/BACK TO = change of shot

_*The first person language (e.g. "We see…") is a common style for screenplays, which means the camera shows/the audience sees something._


	2. PART 2

**IN WHICH SHERLOCK CATCHES A COLD - DIALOGUE**

INT. KITCHEN -STUDY  
>It's a quiet day. We see John typing something on his laptop - probably blogging. He stops and looks out the window, his chin on his hand.<p>

SHERLOCK (O.S.)  
>John, I need some cough drops.<p>

JOHN  
>Are you sick?<p>

SHERLOCK  
>(A beat.)<br>Kindly ask Mrs Hudson to make me some ginger tea.

CUT TO:  
>JOHN is cutting up a piece of ginger.<p>

BACK TO:  
>INT. John's room<p>

JOHN  
>Here you go. How are you feeling?<p>

SHERLOCK  
>Would you turn off the heater? It's boiling in here.<p>

JOHN  
>Alright. Let me feel your forehead.<p>

He feels Sherlock's forehead. Sherlock stares at John.

JOHN  
>Slightly feverish. You need water.<br>He goes out. We follow him.

SHERLOCK (O.S.)  
>And poptarts!<p>

We go back into the room. John sets down the water.

SHERLOCK  
>This is boring. What do people do when they're sick?<p>

JOHN  
>They rest, Sherlock. No poptarts.<p>

SHERLOCK  
>Poptarts help me think.<p>

JOHN  
>No.<p>

Sherlock hops up and twirls around. He's obviously looking for something.

SHERLOCK  
>Where's my violin?<p>

JOHN  
>On the coffee table.<p>

SHERLOCK  
>I'm going to play some music now. Please get out of my way.<br>He tries to move John. It doesn't work.

JOHN  
>This is my room, play it in your room-<br>Wait, why are you even going to play violin when you're sick.  
>You need rest.<p>

SHERLOCK  
>Dull.<p>

He strides out and flops on the couch.  
>It's been a couple of minutes. JOHN is blogging again.<p>

SHERLOCK (O.S)  
>John?<br>It's cold.

JOHN  
>(With a sigh)<br>Go to bed. I'll get your duvet.

Sherlock heads for John's room.

JOHN  
>NO, not my bed. Jesus.<p>

Sherlock stops midway, sits on the floor and coils around John's leg. Kind of like a koala bear.

JOHN  
>Okay now you're on the floor.<br>Sherlock, why are you on the floor?

John tries walking -or dragging- Sherlock across the floor. It isn't really working.

JOHN  
>Sherlock, get up, that's my leg.<p>

They progress -or attempt to- across the room in said manner.  
>Then Sherlock speaks into John's feet:<p>

SHERLOCK  
>The bed is too far away. I like it here.<br>Your feet are warm.  
>These pants are new.<p>

Then he sniffs them. Of course he has to sniff John's pants.

JOHN  
>Fashion week, remember?<br>Get in bed, shut up and go to sleep.

SHERLOCK  
>John you are wonderful.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>IN WHICH SHERLOCK IS INTRODUCED TO THE WORLD OF EMOTICONS - TEXT<strong>

-3-

John, what does that mean? -SH

That would be an emoticon.  
>Why are you texting me from across the room?<p>

Yes, I know what that is. What does it mean?  
>Who squints their eyes and has a 3 for their lips?<br>Why would they even do that? -SH

Sherlock.

Who would even use emoticons? It's not like people can see the other person's facial expression.  
>That's the whole point of texting - not showing our faces. -SH<p>

Sherlock.

This is preposterous. Like this one, :$. A pair of dots, which would be the eyes. And a dollar sign?  
>Is that person desperate to have money? -SH<p>

No, it actually means that you're shy. Wait why am I teaching you this?  
>You're the consulting detective, you figure this out. I'm going to make myself tea.<p>

Two sugars, no milk. -SH

;)

:D

:(

:'(

:o

:P

:S

:\

:3

WHAT IN GOD'S NAME.  
>You don't just use them randomly!<p>

This is quite...fun, actually. -SH

You are NOT going to spam my phone with useless smileys.

*V*

:O

:(

A wonderful variety of emotions...would be an fascinating experiment. -SH

SHERLOCK. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

;)

...I'll get rid of the head in the fridge.

Don't try to tempt me. Not going to work.

**(ten minutes later)**

26 unread messages? Who wou-

;)

:D

*v*

:(

:S

:/

^.^

:-\

:|

:P

:'(

T.T

:o)

=]

:3

:$

:]

O.o

:|

TT_TT

8)

._.

:O

^V^

:C

SHERLOCK HOLMES YOU BASTARD. THE HEAD IN THE FRIDGE IS GOING.

* * *

><p><strong>*Notes:<strong>

EXT = exterior

INT = interior

O.S. = off-screen

A beat = a pause before the character speaks

SEQUENCE = a series of quick shots

CUT TO/BACK TO = change of shot

_*The first person language (e.g. "We see…") is a common style for screenplays, which means the camera shows/the audience sees something._


End file.
